I had to force myself to sit down on the couch with my computer.
There are several things that I could be obsessively organizing or cleaning in order to ease my anxiety and fear filled mind. It takes me 10 minutes of pacing to convince myself that writing in my blog to raise awareness and tell my story is equally as important as cleaning a room in my house.
Right?
Is it?
This morning I decided that I would take a trip to a grocery store in town (15 minute drive) this afternoon with my daughter when I arrived home from work. She is out of fruit and I was planning on making mashed potatoes to go along with some meatballs for dinner.
I made a list.
I assured myself there was enough urgency for the items on the list to cause me to need to leave.
I assured myself that going to the grocery store wouldn't interfere with my daughter's schedule.
I can do this.
It really isn't that big of a deal.
At 10am I'm walking to my car after a prenatal appointment. My midwife tells me that I need to watch my weight gain. I've not been over eating and I try to get out and exercise as much as possible. I take my daughter for walks... I'm not sure what I am doing wrong.
I could get gestational diabetes if I don't watch my weight increase.
That could cause so many problems.
I obsessively consider how I've gotten here and what I might have done wrong.
By noon I wonder if I really need ALL of those things on my list.
By 1pm I ask myself which path to the store I will take.
I consider all options.
I wonder what is the safest.
I wonder if the path I choose will lead to our death.
If I pick a path and then pick another path, is that cheating fate or is that my actual fate?
By 2pm I've convinced myself that I now only need bananas and potatoes. They are in the same department and I can really quickly get them before needing to be home so that my sister can make an appointment.
At 2:50pm, my quick stop at a bank for work has taken far longer than I had expected and I now have no time to stop anywhere before going home. I might have time to quick stop for my anxiety medication increase prescription at Walgreens. I have now decided to just take my daughter to the local (more pricey, less options) grocery store that is only 5 minutes away when I get home and we will just get potatoes and a can of pears.
At Walgreens the pharmacist tells me that my medication is catagory C and I really shouldn't be taking it while pregnant because it's benefit vs risk.
Benefit vs Risk.
She keeps saying those words.
I want to ask her if not wanting to live is enough of a risk to consider it a benefit.
What about stress induced preterm labor?
She has made me doubt my ability as a parent.
Maybe I am not good for my own child.
By the time I drive the 3 minute drive home, I have decided that I will just make noodles instead of potatoes so that I don't have to leave at all.
I walk in the house and am bound by an invisible force that tells me I can't leave.
It tells me this world is not safe.
It tells me to just sit in my house and seclude myself from the world.
So, home I will stay.
