Thursday, September 10, 2015

This is not an elephant.


I wanted to show the world my new prized possession but I didn't know how.
Look, I have a new elephant painting! 
Look at my new elephant painting by Danny O'Connor. 
Look at my new elephant painting by Danny O'Connor gifted to me by Sandy.

No. Those statements mean nothing.
This elephant print deserves the justice and explanation that it's worth. So, I will tell you.

And of course, like most things that are important to me, it all started with a book.

A few years ago I picked up the book Hopeless by Colleen Hoover at Target. It was in a section of "If you loved this, then try this!" and I forget what it was a suggestion off of, but it caught my eye.

That book changed my life in so many positive ways.

It wasn't long before I found other fans of Colleen Hoover and became part of an amazing community. Then in no time at all I caught up on all of her books and joined everyone else in impatiently waiting for her brain to purge more words onto paper. Her brain is so, so beautiful.

Authors can do wonders. They can change people's lives in so many ways.
Colleen Hoover isn't just an author with a beautiful brain but she is also this real, down to Earth human being with an impeccable sense of humor and a huge heart. The people that gathered in this Colleen community were also amazing people with huge hearts.

Colleen wrote a book called Confess that came out earlier this year. I read the story, which centered around an artist who painted beautiful works of art based on anonymous confessions that he receives.

Oh good, you read a book.
No, there is never simplicity in reading a book. 1st because I have PTSD and books help me escape my mind and 2nd because this particular book was read at a particularly hard time in my life. I was newly pregnant with my 2nd child and we had a 6 week scan the day before we left for a road trip family vacation. That 6 week scan did not show what we had hoped it would show but instead it showed an underdeveloped embryo. The baby's growth along with blood work made there be a pretty good chance that I had developed a blighted ovum - meaning the baby would not continue to develop.

I would have to wait a week to go back and have another scan. I would go on vacation for a week and spend my days not knowing if the child inside me was thriving or dying.

Getting lost in Confess was one of the only ways I could stop my brain from obsessively wondering what my baby's fate would be. I won't get into all the reasons why I loved this book because I want to keep it spoiler free, but that book kept me sane in moments that I couldn't stand to be awake.

Colleen paired up with a real artist to depict the paintings that she talked about in the book. He brought the character of Owen to life. Throughout the book are beautiful images of Danny's work (as Owen).

I never ordered any of the art from the book - but I did continuously check on an elephant painting print that Danny had in his store because elephants mean so much to me.
Elephants have PTSD like I do... elephants appear big and powerful on the outside even though they are broken and sad on the inside from loss and trauma.

The way Danny captured the elephant in his painting actually shows that - in that one eye that is shown. I can see that elephant's pain and the truth in that one eye.

A few months ago when I was having a particularly hard time with my PTSD I started to focus on getting ready for my son to enter into our family. The blighted ovum was a false alarm and he started to grow beautifully after our vacation. I started to have to decide to part with some of my previously most prized possessions.
Instead of selling the things I loved, I decided to just make sure they went to good homes. So I jumped on my Colleen Hoover community and posted these things only asking for a reimbursement of shipping and handling since I was increasingly low on money (especially with my mental health going downward and losing the ability to work as much as I used to).

That's how I met Sandy. She has the most beautiful soul and a gorgeous smile. We started to chat back and forth and it didn't take long before I knew that she was my person. The person who would be gifted my many prized possessions of special John Green signed items that I had and adored and wasn't even really sure that I could part with.

When I found her, I knew she needed them more than I did. She needed to admire their beauty. I knew she appreciated them the same way I did. So I sent them to her, sometimes sending a bonus print or item. I was happy they had a new home and that I had a new friend that I could chat with until the late hours of the night about books and how they healed our hearts and busied our minds.

Sandy is a big fan of Danny's work and has many amazing Danny art pieces hanging in her special corner of her house that is filled with things that bring her joy. One time when we were talking about how amazing Colleen and Danny were - I think I very briefly mentioned about the elephant print I wanted when she asked if I had any of his art.

Weeks later, she purchased that print for me and sent it to me as a thank you. A thank you that wasn't needed in any way, but appreciated in every way. A thank you that represented a bond that stretched over states and generations. A friendship indirectly created by Colleen.

So, now the elephant hangs in that one special spot, next to my bed - above my night stand. There had only ever been one other print that had hung there for the last 12  years and there was no doubt in my mind that it needed to be replaced once that elephant showed up on my doorstep.

It's not an elephant.
It's a representation of all that is good and whole in this world.
It's Colleen and her heart, it's Danny and his depiction of the world - pouring his heart on to a canvas, it's Sandy and our bond and friendship that came out of nowhere and everywhere all at once.

It's my place in the world.

Visit Danny's website and his Facebook page
If you weren't convinced that Colleen is awesome already, check out her amazing charity The Bookworm Box
Order a copy of Confess
Check out all of Colleen's other amazing books!

I love you Bliches!

Fun fact: My blog is named after a line in Colleen Hoover's novel Ugly Love :)