Trigger warning: The following blog posts are heavy with describing details of Postpartum Depression, Postpartum Anxiety and Postpartum OCD, also including suicidal ideation, intrusive thoughts and various medical procedures/complications during pregnancy and delivery. Please use caution while reading Under the Dome posts if they might trigger you.
July 2014 was the turning point of what would become an ongoing battle with MMH (maternal mental health) the next 4 years of my life. A local morning show was playing on the TV while I cleaned up the livingroom and my daughter played on the floor. A local woman named Becky Schroeder was talking about maternal mental health and she said something that I had never before heard.
Postpartum Anxiety.
Post
Partum
Anxiety.
I immediately googled the term and although it wasn't as easy to find, I finally found a webpage describing the symptoms of PPA. Every single word spoke to me. It said, here you are. I finally felt justified in what I was feeling. I picked up the phone and called my midwife and talked to the nurse. I told her something wasn't right with what I was feeling. She asked for specifics and it didn't sound like she agreed at first. Then I told her of my thought about dying being my only escape from the overwhelming fear. She put me on hold while she talked to the midwife and I was so relieved.
"Ok, we will send in a prescription for medication*."
...ok, and then what?
"Just take the medication, you should feel better."
In all of my years of counseling and all of the hard work that I had done with my PTSD, this felt like only a fraction of a solution. That's it... magic pill. I filled the prescription at the pharmacy and began taking it. Now, in addition to my mind attacking me, so was my body. The medication made me feel very physically ill and I could barely care for my daughter which only envoked more fear. I stopped taking it. It was then that Becky inadvertantly graced me with her presence a second time. She posted a link to her news segment in a local mom support group I had once attended in hopes to find some answers about how I had been feeling. I immediately messaged her filling her in on the last few months of my postpartum experience and how sick the medication had made me.
She helped me.
She brought me into this amazing group of women who knew how I felt and made me feel less alone. And even moreso, they gave me voice when I didn't have one. They called doctors for me and helped me find the more specific help that I needed. When I hit walls, they gave me a boost over them.
In the early years of my experience, there wasn't any urgency in the medical community to help moms. I wouldn't actually see a therapist or psychiatrist until several months later. Thankfully, the support group had advised me to seek help from my family doctor who gave me a different prescription that I didn't get ill from.
On the right dose of medication I became less and less anxious and started to enjoy my baby with less fear. I was able to leave the house and trust that she was in good care and even took a job in the career field that I had just graduated with a degree for.
I flourished.
I specifically remember those blissful months when I finally felt whole again. So filled with life and love and joyful anticipation for the future. I can see myself, standing on the lawn outside of my workplace, soaking in the sunshine with a smile on my face.
That's the last time I remember being truly happy.
I flourished
and then all hell came crashing down on me.
A month later we discovered my brother had a drug addiction.
A month after that my dad got diagnosed with cancer.
And two months later I got pregnant with my second child.
All before my daughter even turned 1 year old.
*Specific names of medications are omitted in order to not divert people away from taking them. Every mom is different and every medication works differently for every mom. What worked or didn't work for me may or may not work for you.
Becky Schroeder is now the co-founder of Mom's Mental Health Initiative, a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping moms navigate pregnancy and postpartum depression and anxiety by sharing information, connecting them to resources, and providing peer-driven support.
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